Nobody tells you that growing up sometimes means losing touch with people.

People expect you to feel proud when you get into university, start an internship, discover a new passion, or finally decide what you believe instead of just going along with others. You do feel proud, but it fades quickly. Soon, you realize the people who’ve known you for years don’t really understand who you are now. Sometimes, you wonder if they even want to.

This is the kind of loneliness that comes with change. It’s not because anyone did something wrong, or because you were abandoned or rejected. You have changed, and the place you used to have in your old friendships doesn’t fit that well anymore.

When the Fit Changes

Maybe you went to university, and your polytechnic friends can’t relate much anymore. Maybe you started therapy and noticed your jokes were mostly self-deprecating, and now the group chats feel different. Maybe you stopped drinking, set boundaries, focused on your mental health, or prioritised different things than you did at 16.

The hard part is that your old friends can still be wonderful people. It’s not about them being "toxic" or you thinking you’re "better." It’s just that growing can create distance, even if you still care about each other.

Studies show this is a key stage of growing up. Between 18 and 26, your brain changes how you form your identity and relationships. You’re meant to question things, explore, and try new versions of yourself. But people rarely mention how lonely it can feel, especially when those who knew you before can’t relate much anymore to who you’re becoming.

The Guilt is Real

This kind of loneliness is confusing because you chose it. You wanted to grow, change, and become more yourself. So why does it feel like you’re doing something wrong?

You’re supposed to be grateful for friends who were there during O-Levels, NS, and your hardest breakups. Growing can feel selfish if it means leaving people behind.

What if you’re not leaving them behind but instead taking a different path now?

Have You Noticed?

Conversations that used to be easy now feel like work. You don’t share as much anymore, not because they’re judging you, but because explaining yourself would take too much effort. As a consequence, you spend less time in group chats, and even when you meet up once in a while, you leave feeling tired instead of recharged.

And the loneliest part is you can’t explain this to them without it sounding like you’re rejecting them.

This isn’t a failure of friendship. It happens when someone changes faster than the relationship can keep up. Some friendships only fit certain parts of your life, and that’s okay. Not every connection lasts forever, yet it’s still meaningful.

The loneliness you feel now shows that you’re honest about who you are and what you need. That’s not being cruel. It means that you take yourself seriously.

And Yet

It’s okay to grieve losing a friendship. It’s normal to miss the feeling of belonging and the time when you all understood each other easily. Maybe you’ll reach a point where you appreciate what those friendships gave you, even if they can’t support who you’re becoming now.

Many of us feel lonely during times of change. Sometimes loneliness isn’t something to fix. It’s the space between who you were and who you’re becoming—the gap before you find new connections that fit who you are now.

What if outgrowing your friends isn’t a flaw, but a sign that you’re becoming who you’re meant to be?